What He Meant to Say

From the 100% correct, new "Greedy Mega-Church Translation":

Matthew 22: 35-37
One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question:

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"

Jesus replied: "Make sure that enough is given to God's house that his people may build on. They must have funds to house not only a place of worship, but also a gymnasium, overnight sleeping quarters, showers, a snack bar, a giant kitchen, dining space for 200, a slurpee machine, a chest freezer, a giant parking lot, a dog kennel, a separate place to house kittens in need, four offices for secretaries, three libraries, a book store, a used book store, a fishing pond, an ice rink, a baseball diamond, escalators, elevators, a garage that can fit 8 15-passenger vans, a fallout shelter, tennis courts, a weight lifting room, an Olympic-sized swimming pool, a private house for out-of-town guest speakers, a tea room, several projection televisions, flat screen televisions, a private movie theater, a recording room, a practice room, a youth sanctuary, a young adult sanctuary, an elderly ministries sanctuary, a letter-writing to shut-ins room, a quilting room, and a multi-purpose room.

And the second commandment is similar. Ensure that enough money is given that all of these can be properly funded."

1000 Words

To describe the problem of perception ...

A Relationship

So, I hear a lot of people telling me that Christianity isn't a religion, it's a relationship.

So I decided to try to have a relationship with Jesus.

And then I found out he was cheating on me! He was starting relationships with anybody and everybody who wanted to!

What's up with that?

So, I decided to do it the old fashioned way and just have a religion. You know, supernatural beliefs, a couple of rituals, faith in the unseen. Talking to a God I can't see with my eyes. Reading archaic texts.

You know, religious stuff.

And I think it's working out a lot better.