What He Meant to Say

From the 100% correct, new "Greedy Mega-Church Translation":

Matthew 22: 35-37
One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question:

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"

Jesus replied: "Make sure that enough is given to God's house that his people may build on. They must have funds to house not only a place of worship, but also a gymnasium, overnight sleeping quarters, showers, a snack bar, a giant kitchen, dining space for 200, a slurpee machine, a chest freezer, a giant parking lot, a dog kennel, a separate place to house kittens in need, four offices for secretaries, three libraries, a book store, a used book store, a fishing pond, an ice rink, a baseball diamond, escalators, elevators, a garage that can fit 8 15-passenger vans, a fallout shelter, tennis courts, a weight lifting room, an Olympic-sized swimming pool, a private house for out-of-town guest speakers, a tea room, several projection televisions, flat screen televisions, a private movie theater, a recording room, a practice room, a youth sanctuary, a young adult sanctuary, an elderly ministries sanctuary, a letter-writing to shut-ins room, a quilting room, and a multi-purpose room.

And the second commandment is similar. Ensure that enough money is given that all of these can be properly funded."